The Poor Aching Fourth Wall…
by Michelle H. C. Zhu
Summary: When Karen goes on a rampage, it's up Johan Andersen to save the day! But things turn awry when everybody's buttocks are in danger and Edo threatens to apply his head to every viable surface in sight. Not that Edo actually belongs in the third season yet.


The landscape was pleasant and easy on the eyes. Lots of leafy trees and even a rustic road to follow.

A silver-clad boy of fifteen was meandering down this particular road with his hands shoved into his pockets, occasionally removing them from their havens to adjust his tie by a fraction of an inch before putting them back to their rightful places. He was no other than the renowned teenager protégé, Edo Phoenix, and though the media tagged him as some type of party animal who lounged night clubs, burned rubber in Ferraris, and whirlpool tubs, graced with the presences of dozens beautiful women, he was eons away from being the routine superstar. For the most part, he taciturn, reserved, saving his smiles and cattiness for the big screen. While walking, he received a few awe-infused gasps and giggles from bystander students who preferred to dine outside rather than eat their lunches in the cafeteria. He gave those who acknowledged his presence a polite nod and occasional wave, but refrained from any further intimacy.

However, this was not the case when a kid's head collided dab-smack into his chest.

"Whoops, sorry 'bout that!" the kid immediately apologized, flashing Edo a sheepish grin and carrying out the time-honored 'rubbing the back of the head' maneuver Edo had so often witnessed carried out by Juudai. So it was no surprise when his mental rolodex tagged the aquamarine-haired boy as the European champ, Johan Andersen.

"It's nothing to worry about," he reassured.

But Johan simply laughed. "You're Edo Phoenix, right? The pro with the infamous D-heroes?" He jerked a thumb at his chest. "Have you heard of me?"

A nod. "Johan Andersen, I presume."

"You've done your research, alright," Johan acknowledged with a beam. "But what're you doing here on this island? Last I heard the Genex Tournament was over _ages_ ago…"

Edo actually considered this for a moment. Why was at Duel Academia again? The affairs with Saiou's had long since expired since the previous semester after Juudai exorcised the Wave of Light from his body and the fortuneteller was currently trying to salvage his life back in Kyoto. Then a sinking feeling delved into the pit of his stomach. The real reason was because he wanted to view Johan's Gem Beasts in action after hearing them so highly regarded by the creator of Duel Monsters himself.

"…my next duel is scheduled a month from now so I decided to past the time by checking up on some old friends," he explained, hoping that Johan was as naïve as Juudai.

"Oh, I see. Checking up on the future competition, huh?"

Edo easily caught the hidden meaning behind those words. He opened his mouth, about to rejoinder with a tart answer when a rustling noise grabbed his attention. He swerved around, only to see Johan's mirror image (and his opposite double) emerging from a clump of bushels located to Edo's left.

"Johan! There you are!"

_Dog-tired,_ summed up Juudai's entire appearance in one compound word. He looked that of Pheidippides after completing his task of running 176.2 miles from Marathon to Athens within the time span of two short days. His legs shook like rubber bands underneath the ground. Twigs and leaves fashioned his hair to resemble a bird's nest. Sweat coated his entire face, and he looked on the verge of collapsing on the spot.

"…hey, Edo. Aren't you supposed to nonexistent for the next forty-five episodes or something?"

Edo opened his mouth, only for Johan to ask, "What happened?"

Juudai lodged his palms on his knees and gasped for breath. "You…you won't believe it! It's Karen! She's…gone…out…_out of control_!"

The rim of Edo's lip twitched.

"And?" Johan asked. "What happened to Jim?"

Luckily for Juudai, his obligation to abuse his lungs with answering evaporated because at that precise moment, Johan got his own answer when a madcap dive-bombed from the sky above their heads.

"_AIIIIIYEEEEEEEEEEE**EEEEE**_! LOOK OUT BELOW!"

Cowhide boots touchdowned the rusty dirt. A ring-shaped cloud of dust discharged from the impact. Then the man straightened up, brushing himself off. It was an appropriate moment to gawk. Jim was an impressive figure whose foreign accent and gaijin appearances deemed him to be a reincarnation of Steve Irwin gone brunette. Spiky tuffs of burgundy hair jutted from the cowboy hat angled on a slight tilt on his head. Bandages swathed his right eye while his left one was wide open with anxiety, surveying the inhabitants of the surroundings.

"Jim!" exclaimed Johan. "You're alright!"

A jerky nod. "I'm glad you noticed but this is no time for small talk!"

"What's wrong with Karen?"

"She's gone out of control!" Jim threw his arms in the air for effect.

"…gee, thanks for the added drama but _he_ already said that, Aussie," Edo replied sarcastically, nodding at Juudai.

Jim put his arms down and stared at Edo. "…what, are you early for your next cameo or something? Get off stage!"

"I'm—"

"—ah, he's just a friend of Juudai's," Johan cut in helpfully before things could get out of hand. "And he's just a little cranky. No coffee this morning," he added in on Edo's (disgruntled behalf). "Anyway, didn't you once say that covering an animal's eyes calms them down?"

Jim blinked. "Yes, but—"

"Well. I guess I'll—" Juudai was cut off when Johan placed two hands on his shoulders.

"No. I'll do it," he said firmly. "You need to rest."

"Guys—"

"Johan. You don't need to."

"I do need to. For _your _sake."

"_Guys_—"

"But Johan…"

"**Gee**, I'm gone for three episodes and this school turns into Sweet Valley High," Edo loudly commented.

"GUYS—" all heads turned to Jim "—I really appreciate your enthusiasm, but the fact is if I thought one of us could handle this task, **I **would be the one to go 'cause Karen is _my _family. But that isn't the case here! The reason why none of you are going to sedate Karen is because she's far too dangerous! Get close to her, and you'll get a big chunk bitten out of you!" He glanced at Edo. "And you're not exactly helping the situation with your sarcasm."

Edo simply shrugged, smirking.

"Man...I was Kenzan and Shou was here," Juudai sighed. "They could really help us." He glanced at the sky and thought how this situation could have turned out differently if those two were here—

—_Kenzan folded his biceps across his chest. "Sorry, Marufuji-kun, but you don't have the strength for this kind of job. You'll probably get a big chunk eaten out of you-saurus."_

_"Yeah? Well, you don't have the brains-su," Shou accused. "Do you remember your last encounter with Karen? You went completely dinosaur bonkers!" Shou spun a finger to his head._

_"Better me than a pipsqueak like you! You'll get trampled by her feet before you reach her eyes!"_

_"Karen hates you so much she'll probably eat you whole!"_

_Johan watched on sheepishly. A sweatdrop rolled down the back of his head. "Guys, guys, settle down now…it's not that big of a deal who goes after Karen, so I'll just do it…"_

_Both heads riveted towards him. Glares of death-promising doom radiated from two pairs of eyes. "_**_YOU HAVE ENOUGH RECOGNITION FROM ANIKI_**_!"_

—actually, never mind, I think they're busy."

"Really?" Johan asked curiously.

"…yeah." A sweatdropped rolled down the back of Juudai's head.

"But if we don't do anything…" Johan protested weakly.

Jim shook his head. "You're strong, yes, but unless somebody on this island is a hard-hitting warrior with near death experiences training, military grounding, knowledge on the martial arts, and bulging biceps we better leave this up to the authorities."

Johan shook his head. "I'm glad you're concerned for our safety but let's be realistic here! Who could possibly fit that profile on this island?"

Just then, Austin O'Brien walked past the group.

"…never mind."

Austin was on his way to Cobra's hidey-hole to learn of the professor's hidden intentions and had no intention of being interrupted from such an important mission. But nobody, of course, knew that. Austin didn't know himself that he was going to be interrupted when he stalked past the Juudai-tachi (even if Edo denied it with ever fiber of his being) who was currently assembled in a collective round of silence.

Then Johan broke out shouting, "O'Brien! Care to do us a favor?"

Austin shot a glare over his shoulder. "…I have no interest in helping you," he muttered.

Johan frowned, but didn't let up. "C'mon!"

He 'hn'-ed and fastened his arms firmly across his muscled chest. "I told you, I don't want to be part of your little club."

Nonetheless, the lazy whore named Fate and her sister Destiny gleefully decided those things should wait because it was at the precise moment Fiery O'Brien's life was about to be changed forever whether he liked it or not.

"O'BRIEN! _MOVE! _KAREN'S HEADING STRAIGHT FOR YOU!"

Goddammit.

Being brought up in a war-zone jungle environment where danger lurked around every corner, Austin had honed his impulsive reflexes to dodge any incoming bullet. However, he never encountered a full grown reptile twice his size during his numerous missions on the battlefield so rather than leaping out of the way like he would have done in any other conventional situation, Austin simply stood there, feet glued to the ground, eyes wide, his heart skipping a beat as Karen charged towards him like a bullet.

"Oh shi—"

He was going to die. He was going to die. He was going to die. Austin shut his eyes, clenched his hands into fists and bit his lip.

_Forgive me, my daddy. I wanted to live on and burn passionately as a warrior in honor of your memory but I was unable to. _

Yet instead of kicking the can like as planned, Austin simply felt a 'whoosh' in his face and then a feminine scream. But before he had a chance to open his eyes, Karen's tail whipped him in the stomach and he stumbled back with breath knocked out of him, dazed, and blinking.

When canaries stopped twittering around his head, Austin realized what, or more specifically, _who_ saved his life was none other than the devilishly good-looking and extremely hot North Academy champion. The aquamarine-haired boy had leapt onto Karen's back at the last second, diverting the crocodile's attention from the tasty morsel in front of her to what was riding on her back whose hair reeked of Bath and Body Works jasmine-vanilla shampoo.

"I'll hold her back!" Johan yelled as Karen tried to fling him off. "You just run!"

Austin's warrior pride prevented him from accepting a stranger's help and fleeing like a dog with its tail between its legs…

…but when Karen tried to make mincemeat out of his shoulder, he quickly reconsidered and ran for his passionate burning warrior life while Karen snapped at his heels, unhindered by Johan's arms wrapped around her neck; Johan yelped as he flew around like a disjointed marionette. Juudai gawked and dashed after the lot of them faster than a speeding bullet out of an AK-47, leaving billowing clouds of dust in his wake. Jim was quick to follow his tracks with one hand held on his hat to keep it from flying away.

Edo was the last one on the sprinting line. He put his hands in his pocket and ambled in the general direction of the billowing clouds of dust, humming to Frank Sinatra while he was at it.

So much for the authorities.

* * *

Satou Kouji adjusted his glasses placidly and peered around the stark empty classroom. It was the third day in a row that nobody had attended his class so he was forced to lecture to the walls and the dustbunnies that gathered around the chair legs. The entire class's disappearance most likely had to do with the energy-draining effects of the Dis-belts, but Satou believed it to be the result of something less extraterrestrial and more down-to-earth: _they had all left because of Yuuki Juudai_. 

(What a terribly logical man he was. He deserved an award for his commonsense, or there lack of.)

Anyhow, that boy was the bad orange in a carton of fruits. He was a lazy, ne'er-do-well bum whose lethargy slowly infected the students sitting around him like a contagious virus…starting with Shou and Hayato and then Kenzan and Manjyome and Momoe and Junko…even Tenjoin Asuka who had always proved to be a bright and attentive pupil during his lessons and who continued to grace him with her presence for his lectures when everybody else left, until she too, eventually vanished from the attendance radar.

Satou's train of thought came to a crashing halt when some yelling and screaming caught his attention. It was coming from outside his classroom so he took a gander at the hallway and recoiled _just in the nick of time_ before he was made into road kill by an atrocious green monster that burst into view from literally nowhere. Satou readjusted his glasses, frowning. What in the name of all good and conscientious **was** that? And why did it have a roar that suspiciously sounded like it belonged to a genderqueer girl?

Seconds later, a speed-smear of brown and red zoomed past his doorway, followed by different shades of yellow, white, cyan blue, and lime green that vaguely resembled a mural—as if the mural had a terrible accident and then used as a toilet for a golden retriever. It wasn't exactly quiet either. Something that went among the lines, "_Hold on, Johan_!" and "_**KAREEEENNNN**_!" stung his eardrums. Satou's jaw clenched tightly in his mouth and a vein twitched on his forehead. Apparently someone forgot to leave a memo in his mailbox notifying him of the parade this morning.

He thought he had seen the last of the madness, but he forgot a very important detail: The hallways were cyclical Duel Academia was basically one huge doughnut and what went around came around.

About a minute after his near-death experience, Satou was confronted once again with something rather undesirable. An African American boy down by a crocodile (so that's what the monster was) which was being rode on by a girl—wait, no, boy (the frilly cuffs didn't exactly boost his masculinity) came into view and disappeared as quickly as he appeared, making mad dashes down the hallway at such velocity it was really a wonder why he didn't smell the stench of burned tire-marks.

Trailing the hunt-and-meal chase were the three ducklings and one mother goose. Satou's frown deepened when he got a good look at them—the bad fruit of his class, Juudai, as well as his two little tagalong buddies. Tingles crept up his spine when Satou laid his eyes on Juudai. He shuddered. Oh, that boy…

_I'll impose my revenge on every last one of those hooligans, _he thought resentfully. A mysterious smile spread across Satou's lips. _And the crocodile too. _

With mild sadism, Satou watched the throng of students (and one reptile) bowl through a small patch of students which he identified as Teraoka, Harada, and Yamanaka. The five running recruits (and one reptile) knocked them over like pins. They left clouds of billowing dust and smoke in their wake as they scuttled down hallway like little ants and shrank out of sight.

"…" said Satou with a smile.

Then a frustrated cry caught Satou's attention. He glanced out the room again to see Emi Ayukawa standing in the hallway, clutching her head with two hands, looking clearly exasperated.

"_Honestly_!" He heard her sigh and watched as her shoulders slumped. Ayukawa walked back into the room, muttering, "I swear, the next person who sends my students to the infirmary will get a syringe shoved up—"

The infirmary door slid shut with a solid click before Satou could hear the rest of her sentence but as able to estimate the general area of where that syringe would get stuck. Maybe that revenge could wait a day or two, he thought to himself.

It was then he caught sight of Edo walking by, hands in pocket, whistling, and totally oblivious of the one big, screaming, lollapalooza orgy of a mess that foreran him. Satou stared.

"…aren't you supposed to appear in episode 127?"

"Shut up and go back to your emo corner," Edo replied cheerfully.

Wordlessly, Professor Satou ghosted into the empty classroom.

* * *

Chronos de Medici was in his office, scrawling chicken scratches with a half-dried ballpoint pen and performing his daily recitation of 'I hate paperwork" in his head (which consisted of chanting "_I hate paperwork_" a million, billion times until he passed out from severing a nerve in the brain, automatically passing on his clerical duties to Napoleon). Gods, did he despise paperwork. What happened to the good ol' days where education consisted of a single room schoolhouse, a couple of wooden benches and a furnace? Was it simply a twentieth century fad to destroy thousands of acres of precious rainforests each year just to keep record of some delinquent's C- average so that his parents don't threaten to sue when his manuscript never makes it to the colleges? 

Chronos groaned and shook out the aches in his fingers from clutching the same pen for three hours straight. He glanced down at the colossal pile of processed trees next to him, lovingly bequeathed by the vertically challenged Duke of Flabby Fat Cheeksides.

Paperwork.

He let out another despaired groan before dropping his head on the table.

_Paperwork_.

"Huh? What's wrong with you?"

'_Your face_,' were the first words that came to mind, but Chronos quickly dismissed that as a childish and immature wisecrack.

"Nothing…just…" He waved a hand at the mountain of papers that seemed to grow larger the quicker he worked. "…stressed."

"Hah! I expected nothing less from an ill-bred, mafia-engaged, cannoli-drinking, Connie Francis-listening, Nat Nast-wearing wimp! Why, it's common knowledge that Italians are the laziest people on the face of the earth, de aru…"

Chronos suddenly perked up. "Do you hear that?"

"…like my great grandpappy once told me: To rely on an Italian is to…_oww_!"

Chronos whacked him on the head. "Shut your mouth and listen!" He paused, listening for that strange sound again. "Do you hear that?"

Napoleon rubbed his sore head. "Hear what?"

"That."

Napoleon shook his head. "You're just going senile, you ol' fool. All I hear is a weird droning that sounds like an alligator's roar…or crocodile…or whatever."

Both of them glanced up at the sound of incoming footsteps to see a stone-faced Austin O'Brien standing in their doorway.

"…possibly because it _is_ a crocodile, na no nae," Chronos finished.

The two exchanged eclipse-filled speech bubbles.

"I suggest you run," Austin said coldly.

"_**RAWRRRRRRRR**_!"

Chronos promptly let out a high-pitched, "_Mama Mia_!" and leapt into Napoleon's arms. Unprepared for a man twice his height to jump into his arms and unprepared for a female crocodile to charge into his office on a Wednesday morning, Napoleon simply froze in his boots, dumbfounded, until a loud roar and a handsome display of razor-sharp pearly whites snapped him back to his senses. Just as Karen appeared through the door and was about to take a bite out of him, Napoleon leapt sky-high onto the principal's desk despite the astounding difference between his height and elevation of the desk. Perhaps it had to do with the fact Napoleon loved his buttocks: loved his buttocks to such a degree that he preferred to have it attached to his back as an extra slab of flabby fat rather than have it in the jaws of a crocodile any day.

"A monster! It's a _MONSTER_!"

"I-impossible! What in the name of Joan of Arc is a monster doing in this academia, na no nae?"

Luckily for the two frightened Europeans, a third European was also at the scene of the crim—breakfast. Johan mostly '_waaah_'-ed during this time, but he did help in restricting Karen's movement enough to let the teachers escape using his body as a weight load. Not that he weighed much.

"Don't—be—afraid!" he reassured Chronos and Napoleon to the best of his ability. Sadly, this did just the opposite. Just not for the reason most would expect.

"_OhmyJesusChristridingonabicycle_!" Napoleon screeched, and Chronos would have laughed at the French man for such silliness had it not been for the desperate situation they were currently caught in.

"What's wrong, Napoleon? Tell me what's wrong!"

"The beast has taken a young maiden captive, de aru!"

"_WHAT_? Then we must be like men and save her, na no nae!" Chronos said hurriedly.

"I completely agree!"

They looked at each other.

Silence.

"Ok, get off me so we can save the girl."

"You know, on second thought, there are always other maidens…"

Johan sweatdropped and was about to tell the two that he was in fact **not **a young maiden had Austin not leapt onto the desk next to them, brandishing a genuine horsewhip he seemingly pulled from Napoleon's buttcrack because the author doesn't want to provide logical explanations to how things happen seeing as the anime itself doesn't provide logical explanations. Granted, something much higher on the randomness scale like '_Austin had a Polaroid camera and blinded Karen with his cinematography skills of doom' _or _'Austin pulled out an ukulele and sang Kumbaya until Fubuki sued for unauthorized copyright infringement' _would be funnier but then the story would be over before it reached the 4,000 word count. And the author can't have that.

Johan's eyes widened. "O'Brien! What are you doing?" he panicked.

Austin stared at Johan warily and uncoiled the whip. "Get off that thing!" he growled at Johan and had Jim been present, he probably would have given Austin forty whacks with a wet noodle for addressing his beloved Karen as a 'thing'. To his surprise, Johan shook his head wildly.

"I said get off!" Austin demanded again. "I'm going to drive it into submission!"

"I won't! You don't understand! This isn't just some wild beast—Karen is part of Jim's family!"

Despite being in a hazardous position, Johan glared at Austin, his aquamarine eyes shining with determination. He understood Jim's sentiments towards a non-human family member…after all Johan had a_ dozen _of them. Speaking of which:

"_Ruu_—"

"—bad timing, Ruby," he told his duel spirit tenderly. The carbuncle vanished with a puff of pinkish smoke.

Karen let out another roar as her owner came in. His long legs accounted for his arrival before the others, despite being the last one to leave.

"Bad Karen!" Jim scolded her as he rushed through the doorway, out of breath and cowboy hat askew. "No crocodile nip for the rest of the week!"

"You! Young man with the cowboy hat! Will you _please _explain what in heavens name a swamp creature is doing in my office, na no nae?" Chronos wailed.

"I would—but—"

More shrieking.

"_SORRY, SORRY_! Calm down, Karen!"

"Hurry up and tie that bandanna around Karen's eyes!" Johan wailed at Jim. "I can't hold on much longer!"

"Why are you still holding onto her in the first place?"

"Comic entertainment, lulz!"

Then, Jim proceeded to chase his beloved swamp creature around the desk while Johan clung on for dear life. A few moments later, Juudai arrived at the scene to see a disheveled Jim chasing Karen with his bandanna chasing Austin who had abandoned his whip chasing Jim chasing _Karen _while lamps toppled over and really feminine screaming combined with disjointed strings of Engrish pawned the volume by a billion decibels.

"Hey! Jim! Do you—!"

Juudai's jaw dropped.

He _stareshockgasped_ when Austin dove between his legs, then leap sky-high when Karen bulleted after him. Surprisingly, Juudai landed on backside her and right in front of Johan.

"Owww..."

"Sorry."

I mean on _top_.

"Are you injured?" Juudai asked, quickly getting off the injured Johan and making a mental note to treat the European to back massage later. (After the snogging, of course.)

"No," Johan replied, shaking his head, "But why did you go do that? Now you're in danger!"

"At least now we're together!"

Johan nodded furiously. "That's an optimistic way to look at it!"

"JOHAN! JUUDAI!" Jim yelled while running behind them, clearly irritated with their flirting, um, reassurance session. "DO SOMETHING!"

"Do you have any idea why Karen is chasing O'Brien?" gasped Johan.

"NONE!" He blinked. "WAIT A MINUTE!" And then it hit him like—

—like—

—_like a grand piano on the head while walking down the sidewalk. _

(Minus the comatose.)

"LISTEN!" he shouted at the two. "I NEED TO CHECK SOMETHING SO DO YOUR BEST TO KEEP KAREN FROM EATTING O'BRIEN! AND IF YOU FAIL...umm... IT'S ALRIGHT 'CAUSE WE CAN ALWAYS FIND A PROXY!"

Austin, who had heard this while he was running for his life, made a mental note to gorge our Jim's eyes out in his sleep with his lock pick.

"UNDERSTAND?"

"Yeah!" Johan shouted, though half-heartedly.

Johan and Juudai's expressions were confused when Jim stopped himself by digging his heels into the ground and stopping. Jim looked on sadly as Karen disappeared out of sight, but this was really too important. If his theory was correct…

He searched through his pocket and pulled out his electro-wave meter and looked at the readings hopefully but the needle only pointed slightly above average. Disappointment sank in and Jim released a sigh; so much for _that_ hypothesis. But if the influx of electronic waves weren't causing this, what **was** making Karen so wound up?

It was then Edo rounded a corner and saw the frowning Australian. He walked over to Jim and held a hand up in recognition.

"…sup?"

"_You're really not helping, you know that_?!"


End file.
